Break it down (Bad day)
It is now 2.37am. I can't sleep. By right, I should be able to. I worked a full shift today, braved through a crowded supermarket and took the train home. I should be tired but somehow, I am very much awake. I should do this, I should do that. I should be many things, but I am not.
I feel very frustrated because there is no one to listen to me rant, no one I can share my thoughts with. In the adversity of pressure, I can feel my brain shutting down. Not wanting to care about a single thing in the world, it's as if I am a machine that is old and weary.
Recently, thoughts of suicide came back to me. No one knows. I am still putting a smile on my face as a mask to hide my true feelings. There is this small diminished voice in my head that will say "nobody cares about you. Shut up. You are alone, face it. You think people are nice to you? They are just being polite...etc."
I don't know why am I like this. I am not normal. I know I am lost. Lost in this world, lost in my mind. On the bright side, my anxiety seems to be improving at the moment. I haven't shaken in anxiety for a while and I think I can control that. I know I should be receiving counselling. Unfortunately, it is very hard to find a place to go to and I can afford it.
A mentor once said, "there is a difference between existing and living." He then proceeded to tell me the difference. I feel as though I am simply existing.
At this moment right now, I want to cut myself. To distract me from what's really bothering me. I wanna die so badly, but I lack the courage to do so. Years back when I finally got diagnosed with depression and anxiety (mainly). I was so disheartened to even hear the people around me, as they say, that I am not depressed...blah blah blah. If I am not depressed, why do I always want to die? Why do I always end up drifting off in my fantasy whereby I am dead? If I am not depressed, WHAT AM I?
I can't sleep and if I do, I do not want to wake up. I just want to be dead.
XOXO, Rosie
I feel very frustrated because there is no one to listen to me rant, no one I can share my thoughts with. In the adversity of pressure, I can feel my brain shutting down. Not wanting to care about a single thing in the world, it's as if I am a machine that is old and weary.
Recently, thoughts of suicide came back to me. No one knows. I am still putting a smile on my face as a mask to hide my true feelings. There is this small diminished voice in my head that will say "nobody cares about you. Shut up. You are alone, face it. You think people are nice to you? They are just being polite...etc."
I don't know why am I like this. I am not normal. I know I am lost. Lost in this world, lost in my mind. On the bright side, my anxiety seems to be improving at the moment. I haven't shaken in anxiety for a while and I think I can control that. I know I should be receiving counselling. Unfortunately, it is very hard to find a place to go to and I can afford it.
A mentor once said, "there is a difference between existing and living." He then proceeded to tell me the difference. I feel as though I am simply existing.
At this moment right now, I want to cut myself. To distract me from what's really bothering me. I wanna die so badly, but I lack the courage to do so. Years back when I finally got diagnosed with depression and anxiety (mainly). I was so disheartened to even hear the people around me, as they say, that I am not depressed...blah blah blah. If I am not depressed, why do I always want to die? Why do I always end up drifting off in my fantasy whereby I am dead? If I am not depressed, WHAT AM I?
I can't sleep and if I do, I do not want to wake up. I just want to be dead.
XOXO, Rosie
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