GOOD n BAD days of depression.

I've been spending some time thinking about when I want to get married and how is it gonna go about. Then I realised that it has all been very one sided. He doesn't talk about it and he hasn't even proposed (again). This year 22/02 I wanted to leave him and go back home to stay, as much as I really don't like staying at my own home. He promised to change to be hardworking and work hard to provide the kind of life that I want. But talk is cheap. I have no idea if I want to waste any more time on him. I am not promised a future and everything is so uncertain. It seems to me that everything is just my wishful thinking and that he does not think or want the same things as I do. This feeling of uncertainty is making me wanna leave him and find someone else. Even I know I can have someone better than this. It is only getting more and more obvious that he is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. He only opposes to decisions that require spending money, othe...

I quit my full-time job in March this year and travelled to Australia, Malaysia and Thailand for the whole of April. I didn't work for the months of May and helped my friend doing part time.e work in June. July I've travelled to Malaysia and Indonesia. Some days, I'm happy to not be working as I can sleep a full 10-12 hours a day. Sometimes, I question my decision as to stay at home because I am simply too bored. When I get too bored, I will question myself, why do I need to work? Then I will get overwhelmed by this sense of sadness that leads my thinking to suicidal thoughts. "If I die, I don't have to worry about anything." or "If I die, maybe the people around me will be rid of my laziness and me as a burden." More than often, it is a vicious cycle that happens at least once a week. My bf said he is alright with providing for me but I can get a part time job to spend my time so I won't be bored at home or having to face the judgement of hi...