GOOD n BAD days of depression.

SO... I haven't had a single depressing thought for a while but my anxiety still acts up. I guess I'll never be rid of it but I have learned to live with it. Taking up a new hobby with Ethan is a good choice as it strengthens our bond and gives me an outlet to rid myself of negative emotions. I have chosen fishing. Fishing to most may seem boring, but it is a great activity to clear my mind by the beach. We work together to fish and gives us plenty of time to talk. Ethan has never been much of a outdoorsy person as compared to my family or friends. I am really thankful, that he is willing to fish with me and even enjoy the whole activity whenever we do it. Another thing for me to unwind is to be able to write letters or call my BFFE. Although, things between us are different due to our difference in geological location. I am glad, that I have her to get me through my worst times. Good days would include me, waking up, looking forward to the things Ethan and I will do to

昨晚凌晨我又和朋友骑单车。 我很庆幸我有两位好朋友。我们3人认识也有好几年了。昨晚，我们的对话让我感触良多。 早晨到家时，我有一种伤感。我想自虐和自杀的念头又来了。 我对我自己存在的意义有了问号。我到底在这个世界上是要干什么？我是在害人还是害自己？ 我应该在意别人对我的看法吗？实在是太多问号了。 如果我死了，会对大家好吗？如果我死了，根本会不会有人因为我的死而感到伤心？如果我死了，十年后还会有人记得我吗？我种种的问号在我脑袋里打滚。从18岁那一年开始， 我不断的想进办法走出年幼时所受的虐待。 我知道我所失去的童年以挽回不了，不过我在尽我所能的玩。我唯一的遗憾，是我没能够做自己要做的事。 我的两位朋友就训话班的骂我。我不怪他们，我知道因为他们不想在看到我那么的专牛角尖。 我的朋友心疼地问，“为什么你还在跟你的男朋友在一起？” 我也不知道。 最近在想要怎么筹备结婚的事。。。不过我也觉得我是一厢情愿。我的他不止没有帮忙策划，我问他对细节上的意见，他也感到很随便。 爱是习惯吗？ 为什么我就是那么的爱他，不想离开他。我自己脑海里也知道，花开终究会掉落。爱情也未必长久。 我到底做错了什么，让对我重要的人那么讨厌我？ 为什么，我不能做我要做的事？ 为什么，我不能死了算了？

I've been spending some time thinking about when I want to get married and how is it gonna go about. Then I realised that it has all been very one sided. He doesn't talk about it and he hasn't even proposed (again). This year 22/02 I wanted to leave him and go back home to stay, as much as I really don't like staying at my own home. He promised to change to be hardworking and work hard to provide the kind of life that I want. But talk is cheap. I have no idea if I want to waste any more time on him. I am not promised a future and everything is so uncertain. It seems to me that everything is just my wishful thinking and that he does not think or want the same things as I do. This feeling of uncertainty is making me wanna leave him and find someone else. Even I know I can have someone better than this. It is only getting more and more obvious that he is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. He only opposes to decisions that require spending money, othe

I quit my full-time job in March this year and travelled to Australia, Malaysia and Thailand for the whole of April. I didn't work for the months of May and helped my friend doing part time.e work in June. July I've travelled to Malaysia and Indonesia. Some days, I'm happy to not be working as I can sleep a full 10-12 hours a day. Sometimes, I question my decision as to stay at home because I am simply too bored. When I get too bored, I will question myself, why do I need to work? Then I will get overwhelmed by this sense of sadness that leads my thinking to suicidal thoughts. "If I die, I don't have to worry about anything." or "If I die, maybe the people around me will be rid of my laziness and me as a burden." More than often, it is a vicious cycle that happens at least once a week. My bf said he is alright with providing for me but I can get a part time job to spend my time so I won't be bored at home or having to face the judgement of hi

As you all can tell by the title and url of this blog. I will document my life from this point onwards. I had depression and anxiety in 2014 and honestly, I don't know when it actually started. I do have suicidal thoughts and they've occurred since the age of 9. I used to have a blog but for some unknown reasons, I've stopped writing. Please do subscribe to me and leave comments if you enjoy reading about what I'm going to post here. If not, it's fine by me. This is just somewhere for me to vent and put down my thoughts about what I have about life. I do not know what normal is. But this will be through the eyes of someone who is suffering from a mental illness.